This bus ride is bringing me down. It must be the fog on this
window; or the raindrops headed downwards; or the city lights blinking aglow.
It must be the image of you, perhaps, turning your back against me amidst the
bustling traffic, the busy crowd... under the dripping night sky. It must be
the way we said goodbye--- silent, but the silence was not empty. It gave off
this heavy emotion. Longing? Despair? Helplessness? Desperation? Whatever it
was, it put a lump on my throat and made my knees give in. I could not bare to
look at you but you managed to give me an embrace so warm that it eradicated
the coldness of the night even just for a second. We never uttered our
farewells but we knew that was it and headed to our respective directions. As I
dragged my feet towards the stairs, I glanced back for the last time and
watched you as you clutched your umbrella under the drizzle until I could not
see you anymore. I could not tell whether my eyes were wet with rain or with
tears. All I knew was that I wanted to retrace your steps, to be with you once
more, and never leave. But the driver blew his horn and pulled me back to what
was real... to what I had to face.
This bus ride was supposed to
take me home but instead I felt like I was going away. I guess it is because my
home is right where you are. Hence, maybe this bus was supposed to take me to
some place else called the future, a future where there is no you. Maybe that
is the truth which I have been trying to deny, because it kills me not to. I
know not where, or how... but this bus ride is taking me somewhere, right now,
where I would have to live with only photographs of you on my mind and the mere
memory of your sweet-scented hair at the tip of my nose. If life in your
absence gets me bare and numb, I would remind myself of your touch, when you
delicately brush my fingers with yours, or lock me in with your arms around my
waist, and let that feeling linger on my skin for all eternity. If the
quietness of being alone rings its loudest, I would keep the sound of your
voice inside my head and listen to your words, ever endearing, whenever I need
them most.
As this bus speeds up, the
distance between us grows. It is taking me as far away from you as possible. I
gave myself away and wept, as this fog in the window disappears into the air,
like when I watched you disappear into the sea of busy people. The downpour
continues to fall and break onto the pavement, as if the heavens are weeping
with me, as if they signify my pain. And as the city lights blink dramatically
aglow, I wonder if you live somewhere among those brightly lit homes so I would
know where to look if I happen to pass by this town again and with that, I
would feel that I am with you once more, even just for a moment.
