A Soliloquy of My Melancholic Self

Mornings still send me thoughts of you, thoughts that constantly linger until the dead of night; and drifting away in slumber, I even find you in the farthest corners of my subconscious. I open my eyes every dawn only to live over that same routine –a seemingly infinite loop, wandering with the ghosts of my past. Once, you were only a dream. Then you came true for a moment and went back to what you really were. Again, a dream... Something intangible, something I could only grasp in the vicinities of my fairly ambitious fantasy. It’s not that easy to abort a love I’ve long been waiting to have, but the hardest part is waking up everyday knowing that I couldn’t be with you any longer. The saddest thing is breathing these hopeless breaths, knowing it is not you whom I breathe for anymore.

When you left, you took away with you the colors of my life. I had to force myself to go on living but I carried on, feeling that the world has already lost its very soul; that even the sunset seems to mock me. That sense of calm I consistently found in witnessing it was replaced with piercing sorrow. I never thought sunsets would make me feel so lonesome until I lost my heart to you. Now, the seamless fusion of crimson and sapphire skies only provides me a constant reminder of this vacant space in my side where I long for you to be. The dusk has always been a glorious spectacle, the sun bidding farewell with such pride and victory after a day’s great show. But presently, all it looks like to me is a withering day –with missing vibrancy and dramatically diminished incandescence. The stars appear at night, hanging splendidly in display all over the heavens. I used to make constellations out of them but now they’re just plain, unpatterned white dots in an empty canvass. I still count shooting stars though, but not anymore knowing what to wish for because I know there is no way I can get the one thing I really want. And whenever I look at the moon, I wish I could still tell you how luminescent it appears to be so we can both share its grandeur even though you’re miles away. Yet again, the moon only illuminates the fact that we have hell of a great distance between us and not the fact that we just live under the same horizon.

Friends trick me into thinking that the sadness isn’t supposed to be there but I know it’s there, it’s just a fact waiting to be accepted. Sadness as well is something that you couldn’t just turn off, like love. I only have to look for ways on how to make the agony more bearable. Perhaps, I could use some solitude and cut off the noise to find myself peace. But now even the silence is noisy, resonating vivid hallucinations of our memory. It only heightens my awareness of your absence. The silence, as empty as I am. And I still consider any sound nonessential until I could once more hear you speak to me because by far, only your voice has the capacity to make me think that things have fallen into place again. That voice which often whispered the words “I love you” to me was the same voice which gave me the power to single-handedly conquer any battle. It’s gone now, that voice. With it, what was once my stubborn will has vanished in an instant and it’s like I’ve been robbed of my own sensibility.

Since I’m not one to waste time on dealing with lost causes, I would have turned my back on my shattered history. I would have turned my back on you. Yet I refuse to move forward because the worst part’s that tomorrow will not bring you to me anymore. It only took three months, after all those years I’ve survived alone, to make me forget how to live without you. Before, I was only scared not to find you in my tomorrow and for the rest of my tomorrows to come. That paranoia-turned-reality got me living in a nightmare. Without you, my future seems like a vast field of barren land; and my present, a decaying process. I am more afraid to find that this insatiable gap inside me can be filled by no one or nothing else but you. How I wish I could just scrape you off my mind as fast and as easy as you did with me. But I have found out with your help that the love I have inside my heart is capable of setting no boundaries. I have discovered that my heart knows no limits, it doesn’t know how and when to stop despite the grievances and tragedies it suffered. And each passing hour, my heart slaps in my face that it hasn’t stopped loving you until now. Even if it now knows how it hurts to be forgotten. Even if it now knows that there are just things one can’t really have despite how they want it so bad, regardless of how it has learned that lesson the hard way.

What a disastrous sight it is, being left in love alone. It’s like being left for dead in swirling memoirs of a distant past. It reminds me of how I extremely detest the phrase “used to be” --the most embittering thing in the world, it splits my ears when I hear it. It’s the sound of deprivation of the ability to turn the situation around simply because it’s over and done with. Looking back only to find the wreckage, I feel rather sorry because I never wanted ‘us’ to end in the first place. Especially now that our used-to-be’s are very much alive, co-habiting with me in the form of your smell in my pillow or your shirt in my closet and even your little tokens of thoughtfulness piled up in my bag. When I walk along these streets in the town which used to be our sanctuary, I imagine us sitting in our hangout places and still grabbing on to the small chance that maybe, just maybe, I might walk right past you even if I know for a fact that I never will. Not anymore. When I come home, I still see you sitting in the kitchen of my apartment and blasting some music from your iPhone. I’d sit there and sing along, ignoring the truth that it’s just me and the songs you used to play that are there. I always doze off, make-believing that my bed isn’t just too big for me because I have you to share it with, and I could once more wrap my arms around you and spend my entire night basking in the scent of your hair and the warmth of your skin.

Only a few months have passed but all of these seem not only so far away but dreadfully irretrievable. All those kisses, the tight embrace. The long nights and the hot chocolates. The teamed up cups of coffee and bunches of reviewers. Having dinner at midnight and eating breakfast on afternoons. Sleeping just after the sun rises and waking up with hands clasped together, ignoring the alarm. But the best part of it all was looking straight into your eager eyes that reflected great fervor and the similar contentment we had in each other’s company. Oh, how it made me feel ecstatic every time. I will always be fond of these moments because these are the moments when I was aware that grief can possibly be halted from dominating this planet. There is no denying that I’m still tethered to the world we made for ourselves. How can I not hold on to someone who made me experience things that are seemingly surreal? Honestly, you’re not that easy to recover from. I must get there, nevertheless. I have to. But if the time comes when I finally have the strength to pass by your dorm again, for example, I know I wouldn’t help but glance at the window of your former room. And if I catch its light turned on, I know that I would never be more delighted than how I used to be back then when that certain beam of light still tells me that you’re just there, passing the time or maybe browsing through your handouts. You can’t be with me anymore but the shadows of your image still remain in my actual reality. It’s the aftershock, the echoes of memories from a very special era in my timeline. They’re forever plotted there like the ink you put on paper whenever you’d doodle on my notebook and how those doodles used to make me smile...

Of all the great things that ever happened to me, you were my most favorite. I’m not trying to buy you but seriously, you were the bestest of my best friends, the most awesome person I came across with in my two-decade existence. Even then, I knew that it would be hard for someone else to take your place in being the awesomest person I know. We undeniably shared a very exceptional and intimate bond, given the fact that falling in love wasn’t exactly a part of the plan. And it felt awful watching my best friend, of all the people in my life, let slip and return to being a stranger. We were pretty cool together, comfortable together... Happy together. And if there’s one thing I miss the most right now, it’s the way I can talk to you just about everything. But what I have right here, and all I’ll ever have, is the mere illusion of your presence, close at hand, intently listening as I make up these conversations which the luckless circumstances already made impossible to happen. And every time I’m down and out, I randomly blurt some words to thin air, pretending that I’m talking to you just like what I’m doing now. It’s foolish but nothing else can give me a lighter feel. (Well, I’m actually just high on fairy dust.) I couldn’t stand losing the romance but what I couldn’t stand more is losing the companion I had in you.

Now that we got to bid this inevitable farewell, I’ll just be happy that I never missed a thing in the whole span of our relationship. Every moment was cherished and re-cherished, every kiss was heartfelt; every story you told was intently listened to and noted ; and every ‘I love you’ that you heard from me was sincere and evidently acted out. And although I can never get you back in my life, I’d appease myself by thinking that at least I gave a shot at relentlessly trying to keep you here. Another thing that I don’t regret is that your love for me never has to have a posthumous recognition. After all, I never –not even once—took you and everything we shared for granted. I guess love just has an ironic way of turning someone special into a person you can’t stand having around, like how you feel towards me now. Fate is just a jerk sometimes, placing detours after having two people cross their paths and unfortunately, time has terrible means of turning “we are” into “we used to be”. Love, fate and time. Sometimes, they can’t just work well altogether. And we are the children of their failure.

With that, I remember when you once gave me a rose as a sign of your affection. I’d like to, just for pretend, give one back to signify its death. Roses are offered as expressions of love but satirical as it is, they are also offered as sympathetic gestures in times of bereavement. Suffice to say, your love did wilt away with your rose and there’s no hope in reviving something that’s already dead. Lifeless things are only meant to be discarded, thrown away, put underground where they now belong. I killed you with words, didn’t I? But you’ve exchanged the same share of blows by depriving me of those. You left stains in my memory that I couldn’t just rub clean. Well, your silence said a lot. It was enough to leave me as good as dead, except I cannot be buried because people still think I’m breathing, unaware that I’m sauntering through these streets already lacking a soul. But I guess it’s just part of the deal. Like the song goes, “What do you get when you fall in love?”. It’s pain, motherfuckers. It’s pain. In the economy of romance, there’s gotta be a price paid for the bliss enjoyed. It’s just how love goes, right? Love and its universal rules, giving us the penalty of pain for abiding by the laws. So you’re not the one who’s cruel. Life is, and how it designed love to be overly destructive.

Still, the thought of our parting has locked me in this phase of dissent. I admit that I have no idea how I will ever teach myself not to condemn this mishap. On the contrary, I shouldn’t be remorseful about this fairytale meeting its end. Instead, I have to acknowledge the idea that just for once, I’ve known what it's like to have a portion of that ‘happily’ even without the ‘ever after’. With that, I couldn’t thank you more for everything –the love, the inspiration, the joy, the laughter, and the awesome adventure; however, our paths have only crossed in an intersection and after that, we’re meant to go our separate ways. But like I told you, I know you came into my life for something quintessential. I have already seen that purpose and indeed, you taught me a lot of things. I have also tested it true that some people idle in our lives for too long but hardly make a dent while some only stay for a while but leave a mark that lasts a lifetime (Like Boysen paint). And yup, you’re part of the latter (you’re the Boysen paint). Sadly. Had I known that, I would have kept my world from orbiting around you but serendipity must have sensed that I love surprises so she never let me see that coming. It was worth it, though. You were worth it... But we can’t dwell on that anymore. It’s not like it’s gonna change what is now.

The green light’s already on and prepared or not, we have to drive past each other and set off to different directions. I’d steer looking at the rearview mirror because that’s the only way I can catch a glimpse of you now. Hell, I can even be a pro at driving in reverse. I know I can only move forward by stepping on the gas and driving straight where I’ll get myself far away from where I’ve been. Far, far away from you. My friends, the ones saner than me in the meantime, are trying to drag me up the highway because I think my foot’s still stepping on the break until now. (They said, “You’re causing traffic, dumbass.”) As I get dragged farther and farther, the more I can’t resist looking behind. And the most distressing thing is watching you speed up to where you want to be, barely glancing back. Can’t I just have 5 more minutes? 5 more days, 5 more years with you? Or maybe even just one last glance will do. But I can’t anymore, right? As much as I want so bad to still have you in my present and future, you’re already the one who chose to be left in my past. But if the time comes when you get lost and you don’t anymore know where to go, keep in mind that I’m still right where you left me. Just in case you might want to go back. I am not going to promise to forget you because forgetting you is like letting go of a very significant part of me. It’s like giving away something I can’t survive without. But if erasing me from your life and not hearing anything from me ever again is how much your happiness costs, then...  Let’s just put it this way.

Remember when I used to tell you, “I love you, forever. (Hearts, hearts. ^_^ Haha.)”? That ‘forever’ isn’t just a word, it’s a commitment. Also, remember when you said you know you truly love someone when you start sacrificing things for them? Indeed, you were right. Lastly, remember when I sometimes address you as “mon raison d’être”? Well, the human body is a vessel, worthless and empty without its raison d’être –its reason of being. Since you’re my ‘raison d’être’ and you preferred to get rid of me, I’d leave you be and stay here with these bare, shriveling layers of skin and bones while my heart and mind –the very essence of my being – quietly cling to you until time puts an end to eternity. I don’t care whether or not you take notice but this is my sacrifice. And whether you take it or leave it, I’d stay committed to the forever that I gave you. All I have are words to offer you right now but you know damn well how I hold on to them. But until then... So long, so long, dearly beloved. My unreachable star. (You fucking heartbreaker. Asshole. Nah, just kidding!)

I’m right where you left me, always.